Harry Potter: Gangsta Edition
by talktomattyaboutit
Summary: "Listen 'ere, my yungen," Hagrid says, "you're a wizard, Harry." At first I was thinking, bruv you must be mad. "Nah, allow it fam." Harry Potter as you've never seen him before, cuz.
1. Chapter 1

Bruv, let me tell you about this living situation ting I've got going on out 'ere. Actually, I should probably start with man's name. Harry Potter innit cuz. Anyways, ever since my parents passed away when I was a kid, man's been shacking up with my Aunt and her family. But lemme tell you cuz, these hoes ain't loyal. Blad, my own uncle barely feeds me uno, cause he's too busy looking after his own son. Man like Dudley yeah. But it's calm, 'cause man's got his own thing going on. Can't trust no-one out 'ere.

Anyway, one day we was just chilling innit, ordinary day in the Dursley household, sipping tea and all pretending to like each other and that, and then boom, something bare strange happens. Man gets a letter. See that was a bit exciting you know, 'cause man never gets letters. Mainly 'cause nobody out 'ere knows I exist. So this letter was looking mad fancy you know, all cursive writing and ting. But my uncle did me dirty that day, he fully didn't let me read my own letter. Bruv, are you duppied to be attempting to keep my own letters from me? Nah g, I told you these hoes ain't loyal. HE WAS FULLY PREE'ING MY OWN LETTER. But it's calm, 'cause someone out there had my back and more letters started coming. Fam, I'm talking thousands, letters for days. Are people rich to be stacking these photocopies tho? Here I was, thinking nobody in these ends could even write let alone send a letter, but they were coming through.

So my uncle started getting freaked out and shit, and he moved us all into this little shack in the middle of the ocean, is he mad to be moving me into a hut after being kept in my first class, premium cupboard under the stairs my whole life? It was so windy you know, man was spinning every five seconds. But anyway, that was my birthday, eleven years of being a certified G. I was getting a bit moist innit, I was in my feelings so man decided to make a wish. I can't even lie to your face, cuz, I fully wished there was another place I could go. And then I laughed at myself, I ain't no weakass bitch to be getting moist and that. But that night something strange happened you know, I was fully shook. There was the loudest noise, and some massive guy knocked our door down. Bruh, when I say massive, I mean I couldn't see the top of his head. Man had the most certified beard too, what a G. He invited himself in you know, the nerve. But it's calm, he told me his name was Hagrid. We got chatting innit, like you do when a giant guy bursts into your ends.

"Listen 'ere, my YG," he says, "you're a wizard, Harry,"

At first I was thinking, bruv you must be mad. Too much sea salt yeah? Calm yourself please. "Nah G, allow it man," I said. But then he started talking some sense innit, asking me if I'd ever done stuff by accident, things I couldn't explain. Mad personal questions, you know. But I deeped it. "Actually you know what, once I accidentally set a snake on my cousin over there." Bruv I may have said accidental, but the intention was fully there.

Anyway, Hagrid brought me a cake for my birthday, so I knew he was loyal. You know what, I ain't even moist by I fully deeped this situation, considering my options innit, like the hustla I am. But in the end, man decided to leave the Dursley's behind like the absolute wastemen they are, and that's what man's life completely changed uno, and I'm here to tell you all of it 'cause I keep it real out 'ere… It's all a madting.


	2. Chapter 2

By morning we were on dry ground, 'cause Hagrid don't play and he brought me straight to London. On our journey he was telling me all about magic and Hogwarts, it was a mad deep chat. After that he took me into this pub, and that's the moment I knew Hagrid was certi, as if he was gonna allow man to drink on his eleventh birthday, man was getting bubbly just from the thought of it. But I was mistaken, 'cause we passed straight through that ting, only I met one of the teachers at Hogwarts, some man named Quirrell, bruv let me tell you about this guy. Someone must have fully snatched his weave once upon a time because, lemme tell you, that was one big turban. He was getting mad emotional you know, like say man was some sort of famous ting. This guy was stuttering and everything, bruv he must have been on some hardcore shit because he was bringing out some flower-boy tendencies.

Anyways, before I knew it we were at the back of the pub looking at some wall. Hagrid had the maddest grin on his face too. I thought I was fully confused, but then he pulled out this flower boy umbrella and started tapping the wall with it you know, imagine he was tapping the wall with this pink umbrella. But I can't lie, that umbrella was fully certified, because then the wall opened up to reveal this whole street you know. I looked at this place, and it fully registered that I was now in the ends for witches and wizards. I was fully shook, BRUV THE WALL MOVED. I didn't even have time to deep the situation 'cause Hagrid was trying to show me all the shops and telling me everything I needed to buy and shit. And then it occurred to me.

"Hagrid, how is man gonna afford all this? My uncle never supplied the P, I mean once he gave me 10p to play with innit, but that can't even buy you a mix-up these days. Times are hard, cuz. We're in a recession you know."

"Listen my yungen, your parents left you a tinggggg before they died. It's hidden away in a bank called Gringotts though, come we go now."

So Hagrid took me to Gringotts, and a few identification issues and a whole roller coaster ride later, we arrived at man's vault. Bruv. Let me tell you, Gringotts fully backed it. We opened my vault and I got a tear in my eye you know, it was bare emotional. I had to take a minute to deep the fact that man was fully loaded. I was secured for life.

"Listen my yungen, man doesn't have time to be stood here watching you stare at your gold, man has business to take care of on road. And you need yourself a wand, bruh." So I picked up as much gold as I could physically hold, bruv I even put some in my shoe 'cause I'm a certified hustla. Then went back to the street which Hagrid told me was called Diagon Alley, and headed towards this place called Ollivanders. "So is Ollivander the wand OG?"

"Fully. You go get your wand, cuz. I'll be back in a minute."

Mate, lemme tell you about this place Ollivanders real quick. It was so dark, man had to remove his glasses and lick them to make sure I was seeing right. Old man Ollivander was nowhere to be found. I was starting to get a bit shook, then he fully appeared out of nowhere. Now this guy was mad mysterious, looked like the type of guy who could fully duppy you with just one look. One word left his lips, but it meant so much.

"Bruh."

He took a moment to pree me, I felt slyly violated. Old man Ollivander finally piped up. "What time d'you call this – what is it the kids say nowadays? – bruv? I fully remember your parents buying their wands," he said while he looked through the shelves. "But it ain't even a ting, try this one."

He handed me a wand, and I can't even tell you how much of a sideman I felt. Imagine, this time yesterday man didn't even know he was a wizard and here I was stood here like a certified wasteman, holding this wand you know.

"Bruv, wave the ting."

Man felt like waving the ting straight into old man Ollivander's face. But I picked a different spot instead. Every wand he gave me was dodgier than the one before, old man Ollivander's place looked like a bomb hit it by the time we were done. But then he gave me another one, I took it in my hand, still feeling like a sideman, but then there was bare wind in my hair, bruv I was feeling like one of those chicks in them films where they run through fields innit, it was bare wavey. But then Hagrid interrupted the moment you know, tapping on the window and that. Imagine, man got me a birthday present in the form of an owl, Hagrid has been certified since day. I always knew he'd be one of the mandem.

* * *

The next morning, Hagrid dropped me off at the train station. I can't even lie, I was feeling mad excited, imagine I was going to school to learn how to fully duppy people with one potion bruv, I was living the high life like a tru gangsta. Hagrid had to run off though, see Hagrid's a bit of a roadman like me, always got business to take care of, so I allowed it. See that's when my first dilemma occurred, bruv. Man's ticket said Platform 9 ¾ , like say that actually exists. At this point man was getting ready to wake up, still under that wasteman cupboard under the stairs and fully cuss my conscious self for dreaming up such madness. But then, out of the corner of my ear, I heard the word "Muggles," which Hagrid told me meant non-magical sidemen. I followed this voice and found myself stood next to a huge family. Let me tell you, their hair was magical enough to charm people itself. The mother was telling them all to hurry so that none of them would get lost, like say their hair wasn't red enough to see from Mars you know. Fam, I fully remember seeing a baboon at the zoo with an arse the same shade of red you know. Nah you don't understand, man was blinded, needed to unpack my Ray-Bans from my suitcase, this shit was scarlet.

If only I knew then that was the day I met my most loyal G of all time. I knew I had no idea about how to get to this wasteman of a platform, so man swallowed his pride and asked. This woman and her millions of offspring told me I had to run at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10, bruv are you dizzy to be telling me to run into a wall? Nah g, you must be licked if you think man is doing that. She also introduced me to her son Ron, who was starting his first year too, and he seemed pretty certi to me, despite his ring-light hair. But then one of her sons went through this duppied wall, and he fully vanished into this wall, so man thought he might as well try.

Bruv, I came through the other side in a matter of seconds. The wall fully backed it. In front of me was a train the same shade of Ron's hair, and soon enough man was aboard the Hogwarts Express.

* * *

"Yo, fam," a voice interrupted man as I was staring out the window, pretending to be in some sort of flower-boy music video, "mind if I set here? Ain't nobody got time to find a seat nowhere else."

See, man is the friendly type, so I let him join me. My eyes adjusted to the brightness of his hair as he told me his name. "Ron Weasley, innih."

"Name's Harry Potter, bruv."

His eyes looked like they were about to pop right out of his face you know. "Nah g, you must be licked if you think I'm falling for that shit."

Now I know this carrot-top wasn't accusing me of identity theft and shit. "Bruv, are you mad? I'll knock your teeth out bruv, say it was self-defence against this slander, like say I won't call Injury-Lawyers-4U. Pree my scar fam." I pushed back my hair and revealed my scar, which I'd always thought was pretty wavey. That shut him up. After we got talking, and a lady with a trolley full of food asked us if we needed anything. Ron was like nah, allow it, I'm good. But my belly was fully rumbling, like say I hadn't eaten for half a year.

"We'll take everything you're selling bruv." I pulled some gold out of my shoe and gave it to the lady. What d'you expect fam, man was hungry after the cold chicken soup Aunt Petunia supplied three months ago. Anyway the food trolley came thru, I'm talking three-course meal out 'ere.

As me and Ron munched away, I could tell it was going to be the start of a beautiful mandem-ship.


End file.
